secret secret..scaredy me

i'm just as scared as you
got my tails between my legs
got my head sunk in my shoulders
denying the fact that i beg for u

afraid i write the wrong song
or have the wrong thought
find myself twisted and turned up inside the wrong knot

there's no one else but you
in this sphere of souls
you're gorgeous and you rock my world and
i can't let it go

so sue me kill me purge me kiss me
for being in love with you
dig me a hole, let me bury my head
but it's true no matter what i do

no matter what i say or want to
no matter what i admit or don't
i'm fucking head over heels and over rocks and wheels..over downs and lows and highs and flows..i'm madly fucking in love with you

and the idea behind the truth is this
that i scream it secretly with every kiss
hoping that you're keen to me..
and can pick up on the telepathy
and u do....subtly softly
sporadically ..midnight texts ...you do


so i'm scared as i was saying...just as scared as you
i rather cry my fuckin eyes out and write this all to you

sad enuff and bad enuff ...and the record begins to stick
i can have you but met mate and fuckin hell
i won't admit it

you're the spark the flame the burn the love the man i need to meet
a gorgeous fucking explosion of wonder ..goddamn you are so sweet

like candy candy cane you are
a treasure chest of good by far
and sadly u shall never know
until i admit i can let you go.

and that's my biggest secret babe
it does my head in every night
regardless of how much it all hurts to deny
it feels somehow so fucking right

so come to me and be my star
ride the wave
i'll be your guitar
and every string you strum sweetly
will turn into everything and more
and anything else you may ever need


22:55
03 july 2008

si et oui

i say no u say yes
spin the monkey i suggest
round and round and round we go

when we admit it ..we'll never know


23:15

24 june

Fluff

the dawn slumbers in a sweet blunder...
ignores the fall of light..the knocking of thunder
follows through
an entire field
leaves with me..
the hand which feeds...
and so i waste away so sweet
i can smell my hands my arms..legs my feet
i'm human i know..i've a mother too
i cant let her down...can't do what i feel i must do
november will come and go..
i will then be 29
breathing...and asking why
i'm still alive.
...when i know i should be
....no question..no doubt....
put on earth....to control ...
that which we complain about

lover

they hear me...
come running....
they see me....
and start talking....
they want me....
for their eye candy...
they choose me....
only temporarily....

so i scream....in a wink.
and i slice it all up..in one blink.

all the rage and fucked up thoughts....
seeping thru these fucked up cloths...

people think they can pinpoint and fix
a broken head mess, a long edge of distress
stay away....today and more

who will save the little queen?

Loki

i was told i should stray away from the idea of what my future looks like, for this doesn't matter.

his name is Loki
he spoke with a British accent and avery welsh 'r' ...celtic blood exists within him...
when asked if iw ere in his circle, he replies ' unfortunately no'
some time passed and i am a major part of his circle....

i explained about the burning of the house, esp, empathy, the discontent of my gift, death, life, witches, wicca and the shaman.

i lead the shamanistic path,

i am to wear only pure metals....silver or gold. silver it is. for anything other will block doorways i need to get through for the time to come.

the coming. theultimate.

i am told i will draw a sword.
lots of death. it did not phase me.

i'm prepared to deal with alot of death, as it is necessary to kill some to save the best.


when the word hitler is wrotten in runes and a glass of water placed above it..24 hours...the water will have been poisoned.

we deal with a truer thing in life than life itself as we know it.

there are amazng things ahead and there is massive trouble afoot.

i, like Loki, my new friend

stranger in a minute and soulmate, leader in the next few hours.

incredible thoughts, unlikely noncoiincidental coincidences

life has chosen me.

to preserve life.

amazing to find this character on the side of an amsterdam canal....

who tells me...' u've a bart' talent....
to know the present past and future....

he continuously asked me if i wore feathers in my hair and if i ere indian.

how can a man who does not knwo me. complete diff age group. different paths in this life....
find me, a lost little girl with massive strengths beyond anything i have ever known but definitely will know one day,
when i create suffering to preserve utopia


pixies and fairies...the elves dpon't like cigarette smoke...nor do they like nonpure metal

i've a life to simplify

i've a world to save.


a world u will not know ..until it has been established ...
that you are worthy..of the rebirths in this circle.


life never ceases to amaze me....

yes jim...this is the strangest life i have ever known....

how i wish to speak with u one day .

earth.


one word. earth.
is me.

life is not what it seems...

it certainly is not what it seems

Sweet Jane...

she used to smile at me and insist on changing the day to one in which smiles were the law of our months.

she sat languidly and scarcily had bad moments and if she did, she would throw them off her shoulders, got upa nd danced, and sang songs about flowers.

she'd look at me and say...girl....love will come again another day, life will preach to u and say, i'll suck but love u anyway.

she'd forgive the wrongs of many others, and right the wrongs of all her brothers and love and live and sing and smile and tell me girl it is worth the while, for in the end all this mundane shit will explode into your face and you won't enjoy it.

she was there always, happily and cheery, hiding the scars on her arms, and bruises on her legs, trying to answer the questions i asked....
'why is it that you are so strong, how can you deal with so much for so long and still crack the smile in the end, when people are not really friends?'

and with a smile she'd laugh and say oh sas sweetheart, the slicing relieves me from the pain, makes me feel again to love again. i know so much by showing so little. it is not my fault people are critical. each time i bleed and bond with my whiskey, all i can think of is my beauty, the fact that i can feel and hurt, shows that i have a heart. i'm too much of a wuss to kill myself. so instead i self destruct and pain myself.
this way i control what i receive.
catharsis begins when i bleed.

so i turned another page of her diary, and realized there is so much of her in me.
i tear the page out and throw it at her grave.
"beauty" in a realm of pain.....makes us all slaves.