Questionnaire

the ideology 
the concrete base of shit
the cracks of a long day ended by a warm dawn 
sipping slippy sweetless wine
ending with a yawn

Do you go nuts, through the choas and confusion of a feeling
begun with a visually telepathic hello 
ended by a secret wave of goodbye
aesthetics of what has been and will never be

...the thoughts...how to plan your days...when to fall in love..
turning numb at the second of finding something real...so real
scary...so frightening that u coil into a shell of worm u never even knew existed

but there are concepts...theories...
faint feelings......experiences....denial killed knowledge as she expressed her desperation
the moment of pure bliss 
colorblind folding a kiss
convert your  blacks to white and back to black
and drown it in a neutral saturation

Do you know music?
pick up a guitar 
trash your fancy european sports car
wait to see if they care
play it loud, play it fair
shave ur head or grow ur hair
would u marry melody...if you knew it?

welcome then to the smile 
which took a while
to sway our way and warm our eyes.

love.....
with every centimeter of our hearts
no matter the conditions....
regardless of destiny's direction

allowing nature to take its course
my kind created to uncorrupt the corrupted discourse

we need music....
strings
all these things
to fly

do you gather it all in a collection or have you lost faith in perfection?
as you grabbed hold of your favourite perception
just .....to ...run far away
from the world we know.

try to make your existence glow
as blake once described..in his poetic flow

before the moment is ripe
one must let go

Entity

these roads have brought me everywhere
inside the out
strengthening and weakening my brain
this search for inspiration.....
lover

love
existential beyond pre-eminent repair


silly me to not know it when i Find it
silly me to take for granted the most destined peyote of all
blinded by a certain light of curiosity
founded by an energy surfaced by a beauty of self confidence and love

how much do u love.....?

the world in one single circle
spinning round in an absence of coalition
a joint of a thought and a destiny

when do we know that love is an entity
something one needs...
rather than desired




2:56 am
amsterdam

secret secret..scaredy me

i'm just as scared as you
got my tails between my legs
got my head sunk in my shoulders
denying the fact that i beg for u

afraid i write the wrong song
or have the wrong thought
find myself twisted and turned up inside the wrong knot

there's no one else but you
in this sphere of souls
you're gorgeous and you rock my world and
i can't let it go

so sue me kill me purge me kiss me
for being in love with you
dig me a hole, let me bury my head
but it's true no matter what i do

no matter what i say or want to
no matter what i admit or don't
i'm fucking head over heels and over rocks and wheels..over downs and lows and highs and flows..i'm madly fucking in love with you

and the idea behind the truth is this
that i scream it secretly with every kiss
hoping that you're keen to me..
and can pick up on the telepathy
and u do....subtly softly
sporadically ..midnight texts ...you do


so i'm scared as i was saying...just as scared as you
i rather cry my fuckin eyes out and write this all to you

sad enuff and bad enuff ...and the record begins to stick
i can have you but met mate and fuckin hell
i won't admit it

you're the spark the flame the burn the love the man i need to meet
a gorgeous fucking explosion of wonder ..goddamn you are so sweet

like candy candy cane you are
a treasure chest of good by far
and sadly u shall never know
until i admit i can let you go.

and that's my biggest secret babe
it does my head in every night
regardless of how much it all hurts to deny
it feels somehow so fucking right

so come to me and be my star
ride the wave
i'll be your guitar
and every string you strum sweetly
will turn into everything and more
and anything else you may ever need


22:55
03 july 2008

si et oui

i say no u say yes
spin the monkey i suggest
round and round and round we go

when we admit it ..we'll never know


23:15

24 june

Fluff

the dawn slumbers in a sweet blunder...
ignores the fall of light..the knocking of thunder
follows through
an entire field
leaves with me..
the hand which feeds...
and so i waste away so sweet
i can smell my hands my arms..legs my feet
i'm human i know..i've a mother too
i cant let her down...can't do what i feel i must do
november will come and go..
i will then be 29
breathing...and asking why
i'm still alive.
...when i know i should be
....no question..no doubt....
put on earth....to control ...
that which we complain about

lover

they hear me...
come running....
they see me....
and start talking....
they want me....
for their eye candy...
they choose me....
only temporarily....

so i scream....in a wink.
and i slice it all up..in one blink.

all the rage and fucked up thoughts....
seeping thru these fucked up cloths...

people think they can pinpoint and fix
a broken head mess, a long edge of distress
stay away....today and more

who will save the little queen?

Loki

i was told i should stray away from the idea of what my future looks like, for this doesn't matter.

his name is Loki
he spoke with a British accent and avery welsh 'r' ...celtic blood exists within him...
when asked if iw ere in his circle, he replies ' unfortunately no'
some time passed and i am a major part of his circle....

i explained about the burning of the house, esp, empathy, the discontent of my gift, death, life, witches, wicca and the shaman.

i lead the shamanistic path,

i am to wear only pure metals....silver or gold. silver it is. for anything other will block doorways i need to get through for the time to come.

the coming. theultimate.

i am told i will draw a sword.
lots of death. it did not phase me.

i'm prepared to deal with alot of death, as it is necessary to kill some to save the best.


when the word hitler is wrotten in runes and a glass of water placed above it..24 hours...the water will have been poisoned.

we deal with a truer thing in life than life itself as we know it.

there are amazng things ahead and there is massive trouble afoot.

i, like Loki, my new friend

stranger in a minute and soulmate, leader in the next few hours.

incredible thoughts, unlikely noncoiincidental coincidences

life has chosen me.

to preserve life.

amazing to find this character on the side of an amsterdam canal....

who tells me...' u've a bart' talent....
to know the present past and future....

he continuously asked me if i wore feathers in my hair and if i ere indian.

how can a man who does not knwo me. complete diff age group. different paths in this life....
find me, a lost little girl with massive strengths beyond anything i have ever known but definitely will know one day,
when i create suffering to preserve utopia


pixies and fairies...the elves dpon't like cigarette smoke...nor do they like nonpure metal

i've a life to simplify

i've a world to save.


a world u will not know ..until it has been established ...
that you are worthy..of the rebirths in this circle.


life never ceases to amaze me....

yes jim...this is the strangest life i have ever known....

how i wish to speak with u one day .

earth.


one word. earth.
is me.

life is not what it seems...

it certainly is not what it seems

Sweet Jane...

she used to smile at me and insist on changing the day to one in which smiles were the law of our months.

she sat languidly and scarcily had bad moments and if she did, she would throw them off her shoulders, got upa nd danced, and sang songs about flowers.

she'd look at me and say...girl....love will come again another day, life will preach to u and say, i'll suck but love u anyway.

she'd forgive the wrongs of many others, and right the wrongs of all her brothers and love and live and sing and smile and tell me girl it is worth the while, for in the end all this mundane shit will explode into your face and you won't enjoy it.

she was there always, happily and cheery, hiding the scars on her arms, and bruises on her legs, trying to answer the questions i asked....
'why is it that you are so strong, how can you deal with so much for so long and still crack the smile in the end, when people are not really friends?'

and with a smile she'd laugh and say oh sas sweetheart, the slicing relieves me from the pain, makes me feel again to love again. i know so much by showing so little. it is not my fault people are critical. each time i bleed and bond with my whiskey, all i can think of is my beauty, the fact that i can feel and hurt, shows that i have a heart. i'm too much of a wuss to kill myself. so instead i self destruct and pain myself.
this way i control what i receive.
catharsis begins when i bleed.

so i turned another page of her diary, and realized there is so much of her in me.
i tear the page out and throw it at her grave.
"beauty" in a realm of pain.....makes us all slaves.

Sonic Syndicate @ Paradiso 2008

Sonic Syndicate played at the melkweg

saw em...shot em.....was quite an experience...purty cool.

Thanks Karin for the photo-pass...

Thank you Cor for the motivation and invite

Amsterdam 2008

and his name was...

do you know beauty ?

has he ever said hello?

he came to me one evening

and stood across my side...

he winked his eye softly

and gave a wink goodbye

he called me after some time

and i reacted with care

he threw me in a windmill

and make me walk on air

months of lovin

months of smiles

compliment after compliment

became one huge pile

he told me i should jump in it 

and stretch my heart about

and as i soaked it up always

he came around to say

his time is short

his will is good

he cannot love me

the way he should

i shouldn't cry and shouldnt doubt

for me he screams but i deserve a shout

a selfish thought

on his behalf..

if i hurt i should determine it's wrath

and so it all began to crumble

the loving and laughter 

to a hollow thimble

i won't say bye until he does

just to prove

that he's not love

22:36

Amsterdam

note to self: run from the past

Den Haag, The Hague

Leiden

Cutting

Madness

Police 

Junkies

Misery

long nights curled up in corners cying eyes til they are swollen

screaming back and forth, scissors being flung for what it is worth

smashed plates against the dirty walls of a small fucking room and his horny claws

mad passion and confusion

love and the disarray of illusion

my jim, his Pam, his whiskey, my cocaine, 

refrain from the past, jolt feet into ground and forget the fucking past

i went back to my past last night....

thrown into a realm of a false image of right

one scream two screams one morning no coffee no cigarette

packed bags, threw on shoes, held on to sanity and left

broken heart, swollen puffy eyes

on tram stops before the elderly and the wise

sit alone, music bounded, closed eyes until grounded

love and hate ...we get it wrong...

he stills fails ...when trying to sing my song

note to self

run from the past

tis a far greater thing to be destroyed by mountains of cocaine and layers of acid 

than to be run down by a man who tries to convince you that love is a priority when he stares u in the eyes and screams at you incessantly.

hello dad, goodbye dad, rest in peace.

the hour of my discontent transformed into years.

i crawl back to you in interest of salvaging what i thought i knew.

forgetful bitch of tiresome blues

death makes angels of us all.

i look forward to wings which will replace these claws....

RIP Jim

what is and should always be....

another led zeppelin title to a blog..only this time i'm publishing this....so i got home this evening and realized....i'm quite smitten.....smitten with a man who's afraid of smitten women....afraid...perhaps...numb....he says he is dead inside....fair enough....i can understand that....but why now? when i meet him? why couldn't it have been before this chick fucked his head in? Anyways...such is my life....as the dutch say ....' net niet' ....close but not quite.......

atleast i'll have stories to tell to my 50 cats when i'm 45, single, writing raunchy romance novels...being known as the fucking scary wench on the corner by all the kids.....

tja....

tonight...a taxi driver saw me from across the road and went out of his way to disobey traffic rules...and then asked me all sorts of questions...fucker...even gave me his number....i am content to know that i am recognized...i dont have to be to feel worthy but...it's a nice feeling..however....never felt by the ones i want....

eventho...this special one i'm in love with....it was like that for a while....

but someone hit pause...please...i've had enough of a break for now...i want to smell him and touch him again......again and again.....and fall asleep....with his hand in mine.....the way it was....just for a while...no worries about forever .......the wicked ways of the curly angel....

to be continued...... but it will take a while.....

patience....

in the meantime...goes by quickly if i smile....

Nixie

Our beloved cat back home on Sint. Maarten. he is one of 4 kittens adopted at the veterinary clinic. and no it was not difficult for me to get this shot, as i have a natural talent and ALOT of patience with cats (grew up with them all my life since i was 5 years old) and they love the camera..atleast when i hold it. :)
One of my favourite things when i visit the island i was born on.

i miss my kitty cats on the island...

i miss connecting with the feline

the hunter

like my sign...the centaur...connected? maybe....

dutch cats are just not the same (except for my first dutch cat " Karma" - will blog abt him another time) 

maybe it's the lack of sunshine...

or palm trees

for me...